Jit's Blog

* LEFT - Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said  Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.

~*~

* FLORIDA OR MOON – Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’

The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????’

~*~

* CAR TROUBLE – A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the Mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, ‘What’s the story?’

He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’

She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

~*~

* RIVER WALK – There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘ Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ’You ARE on the other side.’

~*~

* AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE – A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

~*~

* KNITTING – A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

~*~

* BLONDE ON THE SUN – A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’

The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’

The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!

~*~

* IN A VACUUM – A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’

She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

~*~

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES…

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’

‘HELLLOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blonde. ’They’re watch dogs’!

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset!!!!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me.”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, ”I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

Gotta love military time!

Fifteen year old Amish and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy older lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..’Go get your Mother!’

* THIS IS MIND BLOWING *

Someone needs to figure out how this works!

To my gifted friends. This stumped me.

If you can figure out how she does it please let me know.

I never even touched the cursor on my chosen number.

Once I did not even follow the directions,
I just looked at the number and she still got it!

This will drive you crazy!

Regifting Robin

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation…

If they are counting the bricks…put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them…put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks…put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order…put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other…put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping…put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces…put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle…put them in Human Resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved…put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day…put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window…put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least, if they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved…congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

This will allow you to create a folder with dozens of tweaks in Windows 7.

This trick actually duplicates the Windows Control Panel, but it puts the 271 most useful commands from its various modules.

To get started, create a new folder on your desktop (or anywhere you want).

Rename the folder: GodMode.{ED7BA470-8E54-465E-825C-99712043E01C}

If you’ve done it right, the folder icon will change to that of the Control Panel. This folder will now be a shortcut to the Windows 7 Godmode.

The Godmode allows you to quickly access many Windows 7 functions via a GUI. Double click the icon to see the dozens tools.

A Bitter Reality (written by an Indian ex-software engineer)

… As the dream of most parents I had acquired a degree in Software Engineering and joined a company based in USA, the land of braves and opportunity.

When I arrived in the USA, it was as if a dream had come true. Here at last I was in the place where I want to be. I decided I would be staying in this country for about five years in which time I would have earned enough money to settle down in India.

My father was a government employee and after his retirement, the only asset he could acquire was a decent one bedroom flat. I wanted to do some thing more than him.

I started feeling homesick and lonely as the time passed. I used to call home and speak to my parents every week using cheap international phonecards. Two years passed, two years of Burgers at McDonald’s and pizzas and discos and 2 years watching the foreign exchange rate getting happy whenever the Rupee value went down.

Finally, I decided to get married. Told my parents that I have only 10 days of holidays and everything must be done within these 10 days. I got my ticket booked in the cheapest flight. Was jubilant and was actually enjoying hopping for gifts for all my friends back home. If I miss anyone then there will be talks. After reaching home I spent home one week going through all the photographs of girls and as the time was getting shorter I was forced to select one candidate.

In-laws told me, to my surprise, that I would have to get married in 2-3 days, as I will not get anymore holidays. After the marriage, it was time to return to USA, after giving some money to my parents and telling the neighbors to look after them, we returned to USA.

My wife enjoyed this country for about two months and then she started feeling lonely. The frequency of calling India increased to twice in a week sometimes 3 times a week. Our savings started diminishing.

After two more years we started to have kids. Two lovely kids, a boy and a girl, were gifted to us by the almighty. Every time I spoke to my parents, they asked me to come to India so that they can see their grand-children.

Every year I decide to go to India… but part work part monetary conditions prevented it. Years went by and visiting India was a distant dream. Then suddenly one day I got a message that my parents were seriously sick. I tried but I couldn’t get any holidays and thus could not go to India. The next message I got was my parents had passed away and as there was no one to do the last rights the society members had done whatever they could. I was depressed. My parents had passed away without seeing their grand children.

After couple more years passed away, much to my children’s dislike and my wife’s joy we returned to India to settle down. I started to look for a suitable property, but to my dismay my savings were short and the property prices had gone up during all these years. I had to return to the USA.

My wife refused to come back with me and my children refused to stay in India. My 2 children and I returned to USA after promising my wife I would be back for good after two years.

Time passed by, my daughter decided to get married to an American and my son was happy living in USA. I decided that I had enough and wound-up every thing and returned to India. I had just enough money to buy a decent 2 bedroom flat in a well-developed locality.

Now I am 60 years old and the only time I go out of the flat is for the routine visit to the nearby temple. My faithful wife has also left me and gone to the holy abode.

Sometimes I wondered, was it worth all this?

My father, even after staying in India, had a house to his name and I too have the same nothing more.

I lost my parents and children for just ONE EXTRA BEDROOM.

Looking out from the window I see a lot of children dancing. This damned cable TV has spoiled our new generation and the children are losing their values and culture because of it. I get occasional cards from my children asking if I am alright. Well, at least they remember me.

Now perhaps after I die, it will be the neighbors again who will be performing my last rights, God Bless them.

But the question still remains…‘was all this worth it?’

I am still searching for an answer……………..!!!

START THINKING…

IS IT JUST FOR ONE EXTRA BED ROOM???

LIFE IS BEYOND THIS…

DON’T JUST LEAVE YOUR LIFE & PARENTS…

START LIVING IT….

BECAUSE, LIFE IS PRECIOUS!!!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium…

She said, “I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain wasexcruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom Smith.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is – STERNUM.”

It’s just dawned on me!!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living everyday.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick……..

I think my dog is a member of the government!