Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset!!!!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean no sex since 1955! Come with me.”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterward, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, ”I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

Gotta love military time!

Fifteen year old Amish and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy older lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..’Go get your Mother!’

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium…

She said, “I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain wasexcruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom Smith.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is – STERNUM.”

It’s just dawned on me!!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living everyday.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick……..

I think my dog is a member of the government!

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said…

“Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now…I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 60-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

Now, my wife is a very reasonable woman…She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

With great deal of satisfaction and pride,

we are pleased to inform you

that the first volume of

“Basic Introductory Manual to Understanding Women”

is now available.

Basic Introductory Manual to Understanding Women

Three women go down to Mexico and, one night, get drunk.

They wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executing in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped into the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, “I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves, beg her forgiveness and release her.

The second woman, a brunette, is strapped into the electric chair and asked if she has any last words.

“I am from the Creighton School of Law,” she says, “and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. And again they all prostrate themselves, beg her forgiveness and set her free.

The last woman, a blonde, is strapped into the electric chair and asked if she has any last words.

“Well, I’m from the University of Alabama, Huntsville, and just graduated with B.S. in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if don’t plug this thing in.”

Over at the local Coca Cola plant, feeling it was time for a shakeup, the newly hired Plant Manager was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, he noticed a guy leaning against a wall.  The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 aWeek. Why?”

The Manager said, “Wait right here.”

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the Plant Manager looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room a voice said, “Pizza delivery guy from Pizza Hut.”

* The fattest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference – He acquired his size from too much pi.

* I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island – It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

* She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

* A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

* No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

* A dog gave birth to puppies near the road .. . . and was cited for littering.

* A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-apart.

* Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

* A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.

* Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

* Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

* I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:  ’Keep off the Grass.’

* The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

* The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

* A backward poet writes in-verse.

* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

* When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

* If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

* A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carri-on allowed per passenger.’

* Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

* Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’