Idiot Sightings

Idiot sighting 1
My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away at the window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’
The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.
Do not confuse the girls at MacD’s.

Idiot sighting 2
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Madam, you need a ¼ horsepower.’
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, sorry it’s not. Four is larger than two.’
We haven’t used Garador repair since.
Happened in Bromley , Kent

Idiot sighting 3
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
Story from Crayford , Kent

Idiot sighting 4
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimum lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Gillingham Kent

Idiot sighting 5
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
Happened at Luton Airport

Idiot sighting 6
The traffic lights on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
She is an Essex County Council employee in Dartford Kent??????????? Am I confused, since when do ESSEX County Council employ people in Dartford, KENT?????????????????

Idiot sighting 7
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the Mechanic “It’s open!’
His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’
This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us…
And the scary part is that is they have the
RIGHT TO VOTE and REPRODUCE!

Products That Were Invented by Accident

The best-laid plans can often go awry. Sometimes, when they do, the result can be pure profit.

Millions have been made from accidental discoveries, proof of the adage that sometimes it is better to be lucky than good.

Coca-Cola and Pepsi were birthed as medicinal remedies. Plastic was first synthesized in a failed effort to reproduce the shellac once made from beetle husks and Charles Goodyear, as in Goodyear made no secret that his revolutionary process for vulcanized rubber was discovered randomly.

Here are 10 other big products that went from being missteps to life-changing discoveries:

Viagra

Pfizer chemists were developing a pill to treat cardiovascular ailments. In 1991 something came up (literally) that sidetracked those efforts: Test subjects exhibited a rather virile side effect to the treatment.

The pill, later named Viagra and approved by the FDA in 1998, proved a bust in terms of treating heart disease. But the unexpected benefit pumped up its maker’s bottom line and set the stage for a brand-new industry.

Today, drugs to treat erectile dysfunction command more than $5 billion a year in sales globally. Of that take, Viagra accounts for about $1.9 billion, but its chief rival in the space, Eli Lilly’s Cialis, closing in on parity.

Minoxidil

The discovery of Viagra is only one of the great accidental discoveries to cheer middle-aged men.

For those battling a problem above the shoulders — thinning and falling-out hair — the drug Minoxidil, branded by McNeil-PPC, part of the Johnson & Johnson’s family, as Rogaine.

The drug-laced foam was synthesized after Upjohn researchers realized that a blood pressure drug, Loniten, had the side-effect of thickening and darkening hair. Upjohn was later sold to Pfizer and Rogaine was among the brands shipped over to Johnson & Johnson when the company sold its consumer-focused division in 2006.

Applied to the scalp, the drug is not touted as a full-on cure for baldness; its maker does boast of studies where 85% of male test subjects regrew hair after four months of twice-daily use.

Also used by women suffering from hair loss, Rogaine sells roughly $60 million a year, according to health care analysts at Information Resources . Earlier this month, the Food and Drug Administration approved a generic version made by Perrigo that is expected to hit shelves next year.

Corn flakes

As a Seventh Day Adventist, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg adhered to his faith’s vegetarian diet as well as the teachings of the cultish, nutritional hardliner Sylvester Graham, the inventor of graham crackers.

In 1894, while employed by the Battle Creek Sanitarium in Michigan, he began experimenting with ways to make that restrictive diet more palatable and an inexpensive way to feed his charges.

Leaving some boiled wheat unattended, it went stale. Attempting to salvage it by rolling it into dough, Kellogg (aided by his brother Will) found that it tore into pieces and refused to hold a shape. Undaunted, they toasted the flakes and were pleasantly surprised by the result.

After a bit of trial and error, the brothers decided to use corn, instead of wheat, as the main ingredient. The result was deemed tasty enough by patients that Will founded a company bearing the Kellogg’s name to sell their corn flakes.

Dr. John, however, opted out of the venture, angered that his brother tampered with the healthful nature of the recipe by adding sugar to the mix. It should be noted that the elder Kellogg wasn’t so much worried about obesity or bad teeth; as a staunch practitioner of sexual abstinence, he theorized that his corn flakes would suppress physical urges. Sugar, an aphrodisiac in his opinion, would undo that.

Further revolutionizing how the world eats breakfast, a patient at Kellogg’s sanitarium, C.W. Post, used his own variation of the cereal to create his own company and a competing product, Post Toasties.

Microwave ovens

It is hard to imagine the hassle we all went through to reheat lunch or fill a bowl of popcorn before the advent of the microwave oven.

Your beeping buddy in the kitchen owes its existence to a Raytheon engineer who, back in 1945, was experimenting with a device called a magnetron, a microwave -emitting tube used as part of military radar systems. As he tinkered with the device, he noticed a candy bar in his pocket melting.

Suspecting the radiation was cooking his snack, the engineer set out to test the theory. In doing so, Percy Spencer discovered a revolutionary way to cook and goes down in history as the first person to make microwaved popcorn.

Built in 1947, Raytheon’s first take on the oven was targeted at commercial uses — it was more than 5 feet tall and cost roughly $5,000. In 1967, Amana, a Raytheon division, began selling sub-$500 versions intended for at-home kitchen use.

Artificial sweeteners

The discovery and subsequent marketing of saccharin as an artificial sugar substitute might never have happened if there had been an “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign nearby.

In 1879, a chemist by the name of Constantin Fahlberg was working with coal tar. He finished his day’s work and apparently headed home for dinner without stopping to wash up.

While dining with his wife, the muck-handed scientist noticed that everything he ate had a distinctly sweet taste. Connecting the dots, he realized his hand residue was the source.

Saccharine’s cousin, aspartame, has a similar accidental history. It was discovered in 1965 by chemist James M. Schlatter, who was trying to fashion an anti-ulcer medication. It was later developed and branded as NutraSweet by Monsanto before being sold for $440 million to J.W. Childs Equity Partners, a

Boston-based private investment firm, in 2000.

Silly Putty

Silly Putty, that beige blob beloved by kids, is another winning product that snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. Since 1950, 300 million eggs of the stuff — roughly 4,500 tons — have been sold, according to Crayola, which now owns the brand.

The widely-cited version of Silly Putty’s creation (for which there are conflicting accounts) credits James Wright, an inventor employed by General Electric with discovering the rubbery mix of boric acid and silicone oil in 1943. Like many chemists during World War II, he was seeking a synthetic rubber substitute amid a shortage of the real stuff. As fake rubber, the goo was a failure; as Wright shopped around his creation, however, a toyshop owner came up with the idea to market it to kids.

Play-Doh

Another kid-friendly concoction, Hasbro’s Play-Doh, also hit the marketplace after failing in its original intent — to be a cleaning substance for wallpaper.

Created in 1956 (and patented in 1965) by Noah McVicker and Joseph McVicker, the brothers had initially cast aside their invention. Then, inspiration struck when a teacher casually mentioned her dissatisfaction

with the hard, tough-to-shape clay her students used.

The soft, pliable wallpaper product began its new life when they offered to supply schools in the Cincinnati area with their squishy stuff. It was such a success that department stores took notice, leading to the formal branding and marketing of Play-Doh.

A variety of accessories have helped add to the millions of tons sold over the decades. Among them, the Play-Doh Fun Factory introduced in the 1960s, the Fuzzy Pumper Barber & Beauty Shop and a McDonald’s play set.

Warfarin

Warfarin, sold by Bristol Myers Squibb as Coumadin, a blood thinner used to stave off strokes and heart attacks, was a rat poison until its lower-dose benefit to humans was stumbled upon.

The actual discovery of Warfarin was itself surprising. Back in 1933, a Wisconsin farmer dropped in on Professor Karl Paul Link of the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s School of Agriculture and asked for his help in figuring out why local cows were dying.

The suspect was the type of hay the cows were eating and the type of sweet clover added to the feed. It took Link and his lab until 1941 to fully identify and isolate the powerful anticoagulant killing the cattle.

In marketing the chemical as a rat poison, the name Warfarin was chosen as a shout out to the Wisconsin Alumni Research Foundation , an organization that helps process, patent and commercialize inventions by UW-Madison faculty and staff.

Phosphorous

Penicillin, as most schoolboys can tell you, was an unexpected byproduct of moldy bread. Less likely to be discussed in a classroom is that the chemical phosphorus was first isolated by a would-be alchemist who thought he could chemically extract gold from urine, and instead wound up with a glow-in-the-dark white powder.

The versatile chemical (now yielded from far less nasty sources) is used today in toothpaste, shampoo, pesticides and fertilizer.

The red tips of matches are made from the a type of Phosphorus, replacing the poisonous, potentially lethal “white” variety used in the 1800s.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Famously, chocolate chip cookies were a failed baking experiment. Legend has it that in 1930, Ruth Graves Wakefield, owner of the Toll House Inn in Whitman, Mass., was trying to concoct a chocolate dessert and was pleasantly surprised when the chunks failed to melt into the batter as planned.

The details of this happy accident are sometimes disputed, with an argument made that the accomplished cook’s discovery was more premeditated than accidental. What is not disputed, however, is that billions of chocolate chip cookies have been consumed around the world since that fateful day.

Nestle, the Swiss-owned company that originally sold Wakefield’s choice of chocolate bits and owns the Toll House trademark, has since grown into a global giant, posting sales of $105 billion last year.

In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, “If I understand you correctly, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?”

“That’s correct”, responded the professor, going onto to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, never to return.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.

“It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day!”

Irish and Black….

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: ’7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 10 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’

In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’

The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and I figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me…………….. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 10 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.’

The little white Irishman says: ‘Turner Brown’?!….Sweet Jaysus, I thought you said, “Turn around”!

New Priest in Texas

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.  He promptly called the local police station….

The conversation went like this:

“Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself…. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a moment…..

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

Norwegian Fire Department

One dark night outside a small town in  Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

What’s your favorite movie?

Movie selection via math test! This math test can predict your all-time most watched film.

(Mine was Star Wars)

Try it without looking at the answers. It works!

Pick a number from 1 – 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3, then multiply by 3 again.

You will get your answer by adding the two digits together to find your all time favorite movie.


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It is:

1.   Gone with the Wind

2.   Aliens

3.   Oliver

4.   Star Wars

5.   Forrest Gump

6.   Saving Private Ryan

7.   Jaws

8.   Grease

9.   The joy of Anal Sex with male goats & leather clad gay boys.

10.  Mary Poppins


LOL……. so I lied :-)

 

How to Block Unwanted Calls in All Mobiles

For Indian Mobile Networks

In India there are more than 50 core mobile customers and now a days the number of telemarketing calls you receive everyday is keeps on increasing. And its frustrating when one receives such calls throughout the day.

So here is the process to get one’s mobile number in the national ‘Do Not Disturb’ directory and avoid receiving the bothersome telemarketing calls…

First thing to do – Register your mobile number in the National Do Not Call Registry.

To stop unwanted calls in Airtel: Airtel postpaid and prepaid mobile users sms ‘START DND’ to 121 and broadband and landline customers call 121.

To stop unwanted calls on Vodafone: You need to send a sms ACT DND to 111.

To block calls from Reliance: Visit here and fill up a form to register to dnd.

Stop Calls on Idea Callular: Call up 1909 to register to DND or sms START DND to 1909 . For un-listing /de-activating DND send STOP DND to 1909.

Tata Indicomhttp://www.tatatele.in/dnd/DNDAction.do use this link to activate DND.

Tata Docomo: Simply sms START DND to 1909 (toll free). In case you want to de-register yourself, send sms STOP DND to 1909.

BSNL: Visit their Provider Customer Preference Registry (PCPR)website. You can also access their Interactive Voice Response System (IVRS). Call Toll-free number 1909 and follow the IVRS instructions for registering / de-registering. Alternatively you can also send sms to 1909 with keywords START DND. It will be registered. For de-registering sms STOP DND and it will be de-rgistered.

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

*There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your,uh….equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes…Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted!